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Jan. 1st, 2007

A Whole Lot Of Firsts Going On

A Whole Lot Of Firsts going on!
So, how did everyone start off 2007?

My resolutions were simple. 30lbs by May.

Today I kept with my plan of under 900 cals

881 actually.

I did my Yourself!Fitness game on Cardio setting for 56 minutes.

Burned 591 cals.

Soon I hope to be asleep.

I'm really optimistic about 2007. If I do the 30 pounds by May, wait, WHEN I do the 30lbs by May, I'll be 2lbs above my low-weight. This time, however, I won't have to stop. You see, I had to stop then. I became pregnant. Now, though, my tubes are tied. I only have one fear of having to stop, and that's because I'm married now. I believe he can force me into recovery. Well, treatment.

A little note, if you're not on YouTube looking up pro-ana, you're missing out!

I got Sims 2 today. Killed 3 hours on it. I recommend it if you have serious OCD like I do!

Anyway, how did you all do this first day of the week/month/and year? It's a new beginning :)

Dec. 13th, 2006

Jittery Jittery Jittery

I owe everyone an apology. I'm really sorry I haven't been around. I can say I've been busy, etc. The truth is, though, I've been going through some shit.

I'm having problems in my marriage. He even agreed that I need to lose weight.

I tried to be healthy...it lasted for awhile, I'll be honest. Now, I'm back to starving and happy about it.

So, now that I'm done with that I'm 133.2.

I bought coffee. Coffee and ephedra have me so shaky my friends have started to tease me. I don't care, though, I enjoy it.

Anyway, I hit 1,000 cals today, so I'm not happy with myself at all. I'm going to go read my friends list. Hubby has a part-time job now, so I can post a couple nights a week. Please don't leave me, I'm back now...and I need you.

Nov. 20th, 2006

A Quickie

You know, I wish I wasn't right about this stuff. I wish pro-ana was not the way to what I want. I'm living proof, though, that yes, things are better when you're thinner.

The men you want want you back...people treat you with more respect...you feel better...and yes, people DO talk behind fat people's backs. Trust me, they talk to me about fat people now.

It's sad, really.

It just feels like what I have to do. It feels right, and it feels comfortable.

Sorry about that mini-vent...I've just been wondering what brought me back.

I quit my second job. Basically, told hubby he will HAVE to work. I didn't see my kids for days....that won't work for me.

Anway, he's due home soon. I just wanted to check in.

Nov. 17th, 2006

Just a quick note before I start another 14hr day

I've been restricting very well. Nov 13 I was 140.7 lbs, and I woke up 135 today. That's 4 days :)

I'll post some stuff this weekend when hubby is out.

Nov. 14th, 2006

And, how do you know Ana has found you again?

1. You have a Mary-Kate wallpaper on your phone.
2. You have to get up early, but you're posting on livejournal at 1am.

Nov. 13th, 2006

Time for bed

Today I'm a lot of things. I'm confused, bitter, hurt, disappointed, and hopeless.

My hubby who has been promising since January (when he quit his hell job...I told him to quit, we'd make due) that he'd get a job. I waited. I waited for too long. We fought. He told me I'd be able to get a full-time job easier...that I'd be SELFISH to not. (probably because I can honestly pass a drug test, but anyway...). I got a full-time job in July. Well, actually I think June. I'm doing very well there, and I really do love the job. Our family is a family of five. We need a full-time and a part-time income AT LEAST to make it. For a long time, he was the full-time and I was the part-time. In fact, I quit my part-time job to take my full-time job. So, he promised to be the one to work part-time. He applied at a couple pizza places...and that's it.

I got a part time job.

I now work 7 days a fucking week.

Forgive me for sounding like a 3 year-old, but it's just not fucking fair.

He says he doesn't want me to do it..but I have to. We'll lose our phone and electric soon. That's simply not an option.


Eating today went *fairly* well. 907 cals, and 400 burned off with exercise.

Oh my poor friend X (yes, her name starts with an 'X'). She thinks she triggered my eating disorder to come back. They never quite leave you, and yes, she triggered me. She did not cause my 'relapse' though. I had started this journal a couple days before our conversation. She didn't know that, though. No one in my life knows it. I can't let them. I *hate* being watched. A couple of my friends compete, because they have issues of their own. A couple try to stop me, because, seriously, they care. My best friend would try to stop me, and I think partly because she is the thin, beautiful, one of us. She was...always. I never got as thin as her (she's a natural 0), but I got close. She went nuts telling me I was too thin.

So, I hide here.

I'm going to have to take something to sleep soon. I start my 2nd job tomorrow, and my husband is out for the night. (He wanted a night out before *I* started working 7 days a week)

Nov. 10th, 2006

My Whys

I woke up this morning 2 lbs lighter. 138.6

I'm not planning on putting my actual diet in here, unless I think it is something really useful. Like, a Jennie-O turkey burger cut up into a can of green veggies is like 300 cals and leaves you stuffed. Not to mention the fiber, and anas are usually constipated.

I have a few reasons for living this way. Of course, I had the tragic story of people calling me fat, etc...all that stuff. The guy in school that didn't want me (wants me now that I'm thin, go figure), all that shit. I'm sick of saying it's still about that. Sure, that may have triggered the start, but it's a part of my life now.

Now, though, it's a way of dealing with stress..

It's a way of being successful. Like it or not, thinner people make it farther in business.

My hubby goes places with his friends...his friends bring thier wives/girlfriends. I'm not invited. I want him to WANT to invite me...not be one of those women who impose.

I want the confidence that I had at my low-weight back. I posed for pictures. I honestly can't remember after that when I had my picture taken.

I love being able to curl into a little ball...fitting into the chair in a ball is lovely.

I'm just happier that/this way.

I'd love some ideas to the best ana groups on here.


A survey

The Important Stuff
Weight: 138.6
Heighest Weight: 214
Lowest Weight: Under 106...not sure
Current Weight: see above?
Goal Weight : I don't really have one. I just want to be in my own skin again
Fave food : Oatmeal and herbal tea
Fave Drink : Diet Mt Dew
Fave Exercise : Kick boxing, boxing, basically agression releasing
Thinspo : Ayumi Hamasaki apparently...recently saw a pic and about died
Where do you slip up?nights the hubby is out
When did it start?I was 16...then again at 20... got better around 25 and showing back up at 29
Why did it start?Wanting to be someone else
Does Anyone know?People think I'm recovered
Do you want help?Nope
Diet pills?Lipodrene right now, but if yes or no, of course!
fave binge food:pizza with ranch
Fave dieting food:oatmeal
How many cals do you consume a day?900 and under is what I am striving for
What tips do you use to lose weight?Fasting can't be done forever. Restriction is easier to hide and easier to keep up long-term.
What do you see when you look in the mirror?I think I'm pretty, odd I know
Are you in a relationship?I'm married
If so, Do they pressure you to be thin?Not REALLY thin, but he wants me to be thin enough to make me happy
Are you the fat or thin one out of your friends?depends on the friend
Are you depressed?about some things, yes
Do you self harm?no
Ever tried to commit suicide?yes, but that was 13 years ago
Ever been to a psychologist??nope
Fave song?U + UR Hand by Pink


Nov. 9th, 2006

My "Plan"

My plan is quite simple.

It might be a little too simple for some of you, but it worked so well for me in the past.

I know that 3500 cals equals a pound. I also know that starvation mode for your body is achieved at 900 or less cals a day.

I try to keep it under 900 cals a day...by doing this, the foods are low-fat because they are low-calorie. I try to workout to burn more calories so I am more in the negative calorie range for the day...because I know (using diet software like fitday you buy or dietpower) how many baseline cals I burn in a day. Staying under 900 keeps me in the negative already, working out puts me closer to that 3500 mark sooner to lose another pound.

I do not fast, because my kids are in the car with me at times. Also, my job needs me to be alert. In the past I did have days where I didn't eat, so I won't say it won't happen from time to time later. Just not a planned fast.

I can't workout this morning, because my asthma is killing me, and I don't want to make that literally lol. So, I'm reading pro-ana journals, and finding more bookmarks to add to my Yahoo bookmarks toolbar.

I'm 4'11, my weight this morning is 141.6. I've got some way to go.

Time to start making some breakfast for the kids before they wake up, and head off to work.

My work week is Thursday through Monday (I'm off Tue and Wed instead of the weekend), so the next five days should be easy cheesy

Nov. 7th, 2006

Going Back

They say you can't ever go back. You can't rewind time.

I don't buy it.

I was anorexic when my first daughter was two. I'm 4'11 and I was 214 pounds. I wore a size 23. Two years later, I was a size 3 and 106 pounds.

I'm around 140 now. Yes, I've had two babies since. I also had my tubes tied. I'm ready to go back.

I don't care what a lot of people saying that it's not a choice. No, the mindset is not a choice, but it has been driving me crazy lately.

I have made the choice to listen...to go back.

I'm 29, a mother of three, and your average American.

I will weigh myself for an accurate count in the morning, because my obsessive side had me weighing myself every morning for years.

Feel free to add me, and thanks for reading.