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January 2007

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Time for bed

Today I'm a lot of things. I'm confused, bitter, hurt, disappointed, and hopeless.

My hubby who has been promising since January (when he quit his hell job...I told him to quit, we'd make due) that he'd get a job. I waited. I waited for too long. We fought. He told me I'd be able to get a full-time job easier...that I'd be SELFISH to not. (probably because I can honestly pass a drug test, but anyway...). I got a full-time job in July. Well, actually I think June. I'm doing very well there, and I really do love the job. Our family is a family of five. We need a full-time and a part-time income AT LEAST to make it. For a long time, he was the full-time and I was the part-time. In fact, I quit my part-time job to take my full-time job. So, he promised to be the one to work part-time. He applied at a couple pizza places...and that's it.

I got a part time job.

I now work 7 days a fucking week.

Forgive me for sounding like a 3 year-old, but it's just not fucking fair.

He says he doesn't want me to do it..but I have to. We'll lose our phone and electric soon. That's simply not an option.


Eating today went *fairly* well. 907 cals, and 400 burned off with exercise.

Oh my poor friend X (yes, her name starts with an 'X'). She thinks she triggered my eating disorder to come back. They never quite leave you, and yes, she triggered me. She did not cause my 'relapse' though. I had started this journal a couple days before our conversation. She didn't know that, though. No one in my life knows it. I can't let them. I *hate* being watched. A couple of my friends compete, because they have issues of their own. A couple try to stop me, because, seriously, they care. My best friend would try to stop me, and I think partly because she is the thin, beautiful, one of us. She was...always. I never got as thin as her (she's a natural 0), but I got close. She went nuts telling me I was too thin.

So, I hide here.

I'm going to have to take something to sleep soon. I start my 2nd job tomorrow, and my husband is out for the night. (He wanted a night out before *I* started working 7 days a week)


I feel that you have every right to be aggravated...I know that I would. I mean, I believe that hubby staying home with the kids can be a very workable arrangement for some people. My husband closed up his business and I went back to work full-time for 2 yrs, while he stayed home with our boys. And it worked, he was able to see how time-consuming it can be to take care of the kids. But, even at that, he still didn't take care of all the household duties. If my hubby took care of all the things around the house that I do, laundry, shopping, cleaning, and meals, if all I had to worry about was my job (as it is for him), then I wouldn't mind at all working full-time and giving him the opportunity to stay home. Fortunately, my husband would rather be working out in the world. 2 yrs. was about all he could take, plus he saw how exhausted I was getting. Because really, when you work outside of the home and then have to take care of the home, that's really having 2 full-time jobs, and thankfully my husband realizes that. And I would never have been able to handle very many "nights out". It wouldn't have seemed fair.

It's sounds to me like all this stress is what is triggering the ED to resurface. Trying to get control...proving to yourself that you can control your life. I don't know, just a thought.

I know that when I was in high-school, when my issues with weight and eating first started, a lot of times it was about control for me. What I ate, or didn't eat, was completely under my control, no one else's. And successful weight loss meant that I was very disciplined and not in any way weak.
I don't know if any of that made any sense.

My husband knows that I'm on a quest to lose some of this weight, and for right now he's not bugging me about it. Only because he saw how depressed I was a couple months back, and I guess he figures that if it makes me happy, he'll leave me be for now. But, I know that if I start losing too much he will start bugging me. We met when I was still in high-school, I was 5'3" and 103 lbs, and I was able to maintain at 105 up until about 10 yrs ago. Once I hit 35 controlling my weight became much harder. Anyway, he gets a little concerned if he thinks that I am restricting too much.

Well, that's enough blabbering for now.
I hope that you are feeling better today.